UnNews:Utah masses troops, tanks along Idaho border
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 July 2006
Utah has warned civilians in southern Idaho to leave their homes and townships and move into the city of Boise as Utah masses tanks, armored personnel carriers, bulldozers and at least 5 battalions of troops totaling at least 3,000 reserves along its border with Idaho. Hicks were warned to leave the area before 2:00 p.m. in at least 12 small towns in Idaho that border Utah.
Chief of the Utahian Deseret Liberation Organization, Lt. Gen. Bo Gritz says that operations conducted on the ground will be limited. "We shall carry out limited ground operations as necessary in order to strike at the potatoes which soil our food and the lottery which makes our people crazy.", Gritz said during a press conference. Senior Utahian army commanders have left open the possibility that a large-scale ground invasion would soon be launched. "It's possible that in the coming days our ground operations will increase," said Utahian Brigadier-General LaVordo Jensen.
The Idahoan government has warned Utah that if an invasion occurs, the Intermountain Farming Association would engage in battle with Utah's army. "The IFA will resist and defend the state and prove that it is an army worth of respect," said Stubbs Jameson, Idaho Falls rancher. "Our constitutional duty is to defend Idaho as the IFA. This is our role. But for the resistance (Preston High School) to enter the army and fight alongside the army, this is not an option".
Idaho IFA President John Smith said that Idaho is not going to "let anybody take our land. We are not going to let them come back and take it." However, according to Potato Monthly, which is quoting an anonymous Utahian military official, there will not be a "full-scale incursion into Idaho."
On the other hand, Idaho Governor Jim Risch was quoted in the Van Nuys-based monthy Playboy calling for the disarmament of Idaho Spud Co. "It's not a mystery that ISC answers to the political agendas of Cheyenne and Denver," Risch said to the respectable magazine. "The entire world must help us disarm ISC. But first we need to reach a cease-fire." Risch later denied the interview, but Playboy stands by its report. "The interview was recorded," a senior staff member said.
"The important thing now is to restore full Idahoan sovereignty in the south, dismantling any armed militia parallel to the state farming association," said Risch. "The Wyomingites are inside our home and we are still too weak to defend ourselves. The terrible memories of the civil war are still too alive and no one is ready to take up arms."
So far, Idaho's army has not engaged in battle with Utah's army except for firing anti-aircraft guns at Utahian warplanes.
Meanwhile, Preston Jr./Sr. High School President Pedro Sanchez issued a strongly worded statement indicating, as he has before, that he will not release any Utahian prisoners except through a prisoner-exchange. Sanchez stated that Utahian reports of having destroyed half of Pedro's holy santos were erroneous and that, "the leadership of Preston has not been touched." He promised "more chimichangas".
While Sanchez asks for an exchange of Utah-held prisoners for two DLO soldiers captured by a Prestonian incursion into Utah following the G8 summit. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan called for an immediate cease-fire between the two bordering nations on Thursday, but the UN holds extremely little sway in Red States.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Jimbo Wales "Idaho faces humanitarian crisis" Wikipedia, June 22, 2006
- Napoleon Dynamite "Pedro vows to avenge Utah!" Fox Searchlight, June 24, 2006