UnNews:Unclaimed fart leads to elevator acrimony

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 October 2007

San Francisco's landmark Russ Building, famed for its magnificent buildingness.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- An ordinary trip turned extraordinary last Friday as a surprise guest paid a visit, ruining an elevator ride for workers in the Russ Building, a local hi-rise.

"I was shocked." said Robert "Polski" Ogorki, an employee on the twelfth floor of the Russ Building, a San Francisco landmark since its opening in 1926. "I got in at the lobby, so I saw it all."

A recent article in Elevators, Escalators & Stairs Magazine focused on the Russ Building, praising it for its spacious and well lit elevators, #3 in particular. The Ups & Downs section of the magazine, however, had some criticism for the elevators as "...except for good ol' #3, they're a bit slow."

According to Mr. Ogorki everything was fine up to the third floor, when two accountants from Super Xtreme Accounting! boarded the car, joining both Mr. Ogorki and Betty-Lou Klimmer, a secretary from the fifteenth floor. Super Xtreme Accounting!, previously Worldwide Pinnacle Accounting, changed its name after an expose on 60 Minutes in 2005 showed that the company functioned neither worldwide, nor were its skills the pinnacle of accounting.

"So, these accountants hop on board, right? I can tell they're accountants because of their fun-loving, outgoing nature. Also, they were singing about looking for a lost shaker of salt, which is totally an accountant thing to sing about." continued Mr. Ogorki. "Betty-Lou moved closer to me. For protection from the wild, flailing arms of the accountants, you understand. Friggin' accountants...they're the rats of the business world, I tell you."

One of the famed Russ Building elevators, themselves famous for folding up like the box from Hellraiser and releasing unspeakable evil into the world.

Accountants, known as "the rats of the business world", are like the rats of the business world. Baited traps set with debit/credit statements are widely used across the business world to trap accountants and prevent their numbers from escalating. PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Accountants, deplores this inhumane practice and suggests replacing the traps with a catch and release program. This would move surplus accountants to remote areas, where predation would keep their population in check.

"Then I noticed Betty-Lou's nose wrinkle. It would have been adorable if I hadn't breathed in. One of the accountants had cut one. It smelled like coffee and microwaveable meals; accountant cuisine." said Mr. Ogorki with a sour look on his face.

The common elevator fart (in Japanese, 持ち主不明の風, or Unclaimed Wind), is known for being both silent and deadly. Indeed, studies at the John Hopkins Institute indicate that the silence of an elevator fart is only exceeded by its deadliness.

Neither accountant could be reached for comment, as it was Happy Hour, but their office released a statement indicating that "'...Super Xtreme Accounting!' is super extreme! 'Super Xtreme Accounting!' believes that the accountants in question, employees of 'Super Xtreme Accounting!', could not have been involved as their paysheets indicate that they were in their cubicles at the time, hard at work with our patented brand of ISO-9000 approved Super Xtreme Accounting!".

Mr. Ogorki plans to take the stairs from now on, while Ms. Klimmer states, cryptically, that she will no longer have stewed cabbage for breakfast.