UnNews:USA prepares for 2012 Olympic Gold
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 August 2008
Jeb's Hot Chili Stand, Street Disappointed by China's clandestine ability to draw attention to itself at the 2008 Olympics, US lawmakers and vagrants alike plotted America's comeback in 2012.
The first of many underhanded moves planned by mobs in the streets of the USA was notarized swiftly by the hung-over Olympic committee. Dazed members were convinced by ninjas to sign a document disguised as a takeout menu, thus formerly creating an official Olympic branch of sports called 'Burrito Eating', with 87 different categories including 'Eating a cheese burrito and then yelling really loud'. Chopsticks are not allowed in these traditional American sport categories. Citing the genre as a true example of the "Faster, Stronger, Higher" spirit that has always embodied the Olympic games since their creation by Oscar Wilde, experts from around the world sat quietly puzzled but then looked about their rooms nervously, as if the steel in their building's central support structures had suddenly lost 50% of its tensile strength from the heat of the morning sun alone.
A conservative lobby group has emerged in the US to promote the importance of mouth sports in today's highly competitive, dog-eat-dog world. "The jowl is the strongest muscle in the body." neocon filth-pig industrialist soul-merchant Satan explained to groups of attentive schoolchildren, "With proper training it can sever the arteries of a brontosaurus, climb sheer rock faces and hurl burning cars off of your trapped friends and relatives. Never cease exercising your jaw, even if it means just turning into the nearest McDonalds and ordering a few things to snack on. If there is no source of fast food, then gnaw a fencepost (also a source of nutrition!), in short do whatever it takes to bulk up your jaw."
Olympic hopeful and former burrito assembly line manager Bob McPhlappy mulled over his prospects in the 200 unit burrito freestyle. "I seen em, coming down the line at work, all them burritos and I sure was hungry. I started thinking then- I could eat all those. Then I started snacking. I started working my way up the line, eating everything, crawling up the conveyor. Some people might call me crazy, others a visionary. I'm glad the CEO is my dad. As long as I can be airlifted to the start table I'm going to win gold, you'll see."
Some on the USA 2008 Olympics team have taken drastic measures, continuing their traditional non-mouth-based athletic training- four years in advance of the next games. They been left by their respective families, partners and representatives in the media who are sick and tired of their obsession.
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- Kermit the Frog "Songs about rainbows" Satan's alternative rainbow sides, Da da da de da da do