UnNews:U.S. sells Hawaii to help balance deficit
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 February 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. -- There were few dry eyes in the nation's capital today as the ink dried on a bill finalizing the sale of Hawaii to Japan.
The bill, first proposed by Republican senator Jeff Sessions, Chairman of the New United Coalition of Bipartisans, declared Hawaii, and all its surrounding islands and islets, the property of the nation of Japan. The island chain, annexed by the United States of America in 1959 to become its 50th state, sold for just under 46 billion dollars, or 3.8 trillion yen.
When asked what the money from the sale would be used for, Vice President, and President of the Senate, Joseph Biden had this to say, "We do know that the majority of the appropriated funds will go to help relieve the tension caused by our national deficit. We have also looked into possibly allocating a small amount of the proceeds towards resewing our nation's flags; to once again accommodate forty-nine stars." There were some concerns early on about whether or not President Obama would seek a portion of the funds. This prompted a speedy reply from Vice President Biden. "In this concern I am a Senate leader first and a Vice President second. If we allow The President any money he will spend it impulsively on economic stimuli and campaign stationery. Look, I love Barack, but he's an addict. Giving him more money will only serve to feed his addiction for effecting change via throwing money at people."
Now that Hawaii is under rule by Japan, the native Samoans will have three months to vacate the tropical paradise; either by way of integrating into the Japanese society (i.e., become a Japanese citizen and move to Japan) or by traveling to the continental United States and seeking residency there. All Hawaiians who refuse to leave will be put to work, fishing the waters around the islands.
Now that Japan owns Hawaii, they will have much to deliberate on. Namely, what to do with the islands. Japanese Ambassador to America, Ichiro Fujisaki, gave this statement at an all you can eat sashimi press junket, "We want to fish of course, that is what we have done for thousands of years, but we have big ideas for the use of the actual land. We have a talked about turning Niihau and Kauai into a themed amusement park and hotel. The theme has yet to be decided on, but we know we want tea houses and hot springs to play an intricate part in it."
The idea of a trans-island monorail system was also mentioned. "The thought of trains excited me, as well as many other Japanese, as a little boy." Ichiro stated. "So the idea is to build a single line of track from Yokohama [Japan] to the island of Hawaii and then from Hawaii to Maui, and so on and so forth." When asked about plans for the other islands, Ichiro responded, "We have lots of time to think on this. We will have our hands full developing the islands for practical use for years to come." Several rumors remain unsubstantiated, though. When asked about the claim that there were plans being drawn up to build a whaling port on Oahu, Ichiro firmly stated, "No comment."
