UnNews:Tigger Woods 'to be taken to the cleaners' by angry wife
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 June 2010
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, Ashdown Forest -- Discredited golf hero Tigger Woods is facing a huge divorce bill after his Swedish born wife Pippi Longstocking confirmed she is going to split with the 'bouncy-bouncy bounder'. This follows last year's revelations that the stripey sex addict had been spending time away from home in pursuit of various fluffy bunny lovers in rabbit holes across the world.
The gap toothed, freckle faced, flame-haired beauty appeared outside her home mixing a large bowl of Swedish Meatballs. Standing with her was famous lawyer, the grim faced Kurt Wallander. Also known as the Swedish Chef, the muppet faced maestro issued waiting journalists a press release - in Swedish - and then spoke at length in an accent mocking the famous Scandinavian country. Eventually an English translation was obtained and was read out by Pippi's friend Heidi in a deep Swiss German growl.
I have stood by Tigger ever since I found out his dirty secrets when I read a text message sent to him from one of his lovers. I did lash out the time - with one of his golf clubs - but I calmed down and waited to hear why my husband had looking for other holes to stick his golf balls in whilst he should have been here at home with me and our lovely children, Tigger Cub Junior and Pippi Shortstocking. I have been very Swedish but now I want to take the bastard to the cleaners and watch him on spin dry for ever until he pays me off!
Tigger Woods is said to be very shocked by the news that Pippi wants to leave him for good. His close friends Winnie the Pooh and Piglet say they still stand by the 'randy little bugger'. Woods's lawyers, Christopher Robin Associates have said they are currently in talks with Pippi's lawyers to work out a settlement. However they also said they had no confidence in Pippi's legal team and suggest she is 'playing along' to maintain pressure on Tigger Woods and make him pay through his stuffed nose for all his previous infidelities.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- staff "Tiger Woods divorce settlement." Metro, 6 June 2010