UnNews:Thrift Shop Dock Worker Setting Increasingly Weird Stuff Aside for Self
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 January 2012
RADIUMDALE, Idaho -- Elders of the Radiumdale Municipal Thrift Shop report that dock worker Jason Loomis, 23, is setting aside increasingly strange stuff to take home for himself.
"It's not that anything he's keeping is odd in and of itself," said thrift store volunteer Ethyl Partridge, 78, before adding, "at least... not much, but the overall trend is baffling."
Loomis, like other thrift store workers, is allowed a box in which he may set donated items he would like to buy for himself. Such items have, according to Partridge, included a crepe maker he claimed was already his, a staple gun, a pair of pillow cases branded with the Kelloggs Raisin Bran Crunch logo, a shortwave radio and some small canisters of propane.
"We're beginning to wonder what he's planning to do with these things," Patridge added.
Other members of the thrift shop, many of whom have personally checked Loomis out once his items have been priced, are equally curious.
"I sold him a doll-house bathtub, a hot glue gun and a bottle of popping corn," said volunteer Myra Smythe, 69. "Is there something young people are doing these days that I should know about?"
While the other employees universally described Loomis as a pleasant person when they chanced to see him, all were openly bewildered by the possible use or uses one man could have for a Shirley Temple paper doll cutout book, two small black and white TVs, an engraving tool, assorted plastic cutlery, a Rolling Stones t-shirt, cat food, a monkey wrench, and crackers.
As of press time, the residence Loomis listed on his job application has turned out to be an empty lot.
BREAKING NEWS[edit | edit source]
A thrift shop worker has come to the police saying that (gender anonomised) sold Loomis a few old keys and a walking stick. The keys (having been photographed according to Fedral Law 1337) have been identified as a backdoor key to a meat packing plant, the key to room 423 of the local High School, and a Safety Deposit box. When asked why (gener anonomised) sold the man these keys, they said
"I didn't think he could do any harm, they were just keys!"
Police have been notified to patrol these areas as other local thrift stores have reported a man similar to the description of Loomis purchasing keys to other places in the town.
