UnNews:Teenage girl was 'roasted' by United players at Christmas 'cannibal' party

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 December 2007

Utd players, engaging in yet more ritual cannibalism yesterday.

A 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL WAS SPIT ROASTED AND EATEN by up to five Manchester United players at the same party where another girl says she partially eaten by player Jonny Evans, it has been claimed. A guest at the party has described shocking scenes in which she could smell meat cooking "a bit like pork" coming from an upstairs room of the hotel in which the players were apparently found "feasting on the cooked flesh of human origin".

The shocking allegation of the players' behaviour at the party comes as Manchester United starlet Jonny Evans is set to be cleared of "cannibalism" despite admitting to "taking a portion of rump from her posterier and pan frying it with onions and garlic". Evans claims that the girl consented to the act of cannibalism and even willingly ate a portion of the meat herself.

"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard sizzling and cooking noises coming from one of the rooms," the witness told Unnews, "We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly being cooked off on a spit roast of some description."

"We were later offered a bit of crackling by one of the players, which was nice of them. Its good to see that these pampered, arrogant millionaire sport stars do keep their feet on the ground, isn't it?"

Sources

• "smells nice!" ""mmmmm"" "can you pass me the salt Rio", December 18, 2007