UnNews:Target withdraws lubricant after complaints

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 August 2013

One target store in La Palma has four shelves full of different kinds of lubricants. Where is it all going?

Discount retailer Target has taken its lubricant off the shelves after some customers complained that, given the product's function, the store's house brand name up&up was "suggestive and offensive".

The United States Supermarket Standards Authority has received more than 150 complaints from angry customers, heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. At a Target store in La Palma, California, UnNews found no shortage of irate customers.

Soccer mom Gillian Balmers, 43, told us, "When I come to Target, I want to find decent brand products at cheap prices, and the surliest workers this side of a Chinese restaurant. I do not want lubricant shoved down my throat."

Even ex-porn star Lucy Thai, who described the lubricant as "a decent low-end product" criticized Target's insensitive packaging. "Thanks to the prevalence of anal sex in pornographic movies, more and more young people are trying it, and this brand name sends out a message to young boys to keep going up and up, when it's probably the last thing their anal virgin girlfriends would want. I would call a lubricant 'Don't break me'."

Target chief executive Terry Bullseye called for the products to be "immediately withdrawn", which, Ms Thai informs us, is also less than ideal technique.