UnNews:Super obese eight year old may destroy planet!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 February 2007

"Feed the World, make it a better place, For you and for me and ALL the human race."

WALLSEND, North Tyneside, UK -- An obese eight-year-old boy will discover whether he will be destroyed tomorrow because of his catastrophically huge size. Connor McPienosh recently weighed in at nearly 20 times that of an average 8 year old. Fears that a localised black hole may form should he gain any more weight have prompted moves for him to be destroyed before he himself threatens the existence the whole planet.

Experts fear that if the boy achieves a critical mass then his weight will quite literally implode on itself, ripping into the very fabric of space and time. The gravitational force of the resultant black hole will ultimately tear the entire planet (and possibly the solar system) apart.

Unfortunately even if a decision is made to eliminate the youth there are no guarantees such a mission would be a success, "Nothing of this boy's size has been destroyed before", said a demolition expert last night, "Anything short of a few strategically-placed nuclear bombs just would not work."

"There's a choice we're making, and that's saving our own lives"

His (alcoholic crackwhore) mother Nicola McChipbutty, 35, is hopeful that a solution not necessitating the destruction of her son may suffice, "Maybe he can live on the moon or something?" she slurred this morning.

Tomorrow, the family face a conference with NASA to discuss Connor's prognosis in instigating the destruction of the known universe. The last resort would be for Connor to be destroyed, perhaps in a series of controlled nuclear explosions. It is hoped however that this course of action could be avoided.

In a statement, a spokeswoman said: "As Dr Spock said in Star Wars: 'the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.' Let's face it, if he ate less chips then he wouldn't be in this situation!"

Connor himself seemed remarkably calm last night, "It's my glands", he argued.

Sources

• You fat bastard "Who ate all the pies?" YOU ate all the pies!, February 26, 2007