UnNews:Student arrested for 15lbs of crack
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 February 2007
GENESEO, NY - A college student was arrested by campus security Saturday, being charged with an alleged possession of 15lbs of crack.
"This is just unacceptable" campus security officer Evan Stewart commented shortly after the arrest. "We take possession of crack charges very seriously here at SUNY Geneseo, and you can expect this student not to enter this campus, or his state of freedom, for a very long time." The minimum sentence for possession of 15lbs of crack is 20 years in prison, due to newly-implemented laws on crack possession.
Andy Armler, student aged 21, was spotted eating at the campus commons Saturday morning with the 15lbs of crack. It wasn't until a fellow student, and concerned citizen, stepped in that action was taken. "I saw the crack, and I knew I had to get campus security" Skyler Tannen said. "I hate to be a narc, but sometimes a person has to step up when things get out of hand." Skyler has already been commended by local authorities. "He's a bright example of our future" police chief Dwight Fry told the media.
This possession was not his first. "He almost always had the 15lbs of crack with him. It was like this secret I tried to hide, but was hard to avoid." Andy's ex-girlfriend, Georgetta Thompson told our reporter. "He was always so resistant to the idea of getting a belt. I don't know why. I think its just because he's an idiot."
Mr. Armler has been arraigned, and plead not guilty. He was let free on $50,000 bail Saturday evening.
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- Hieronymous Bosche "Let's hear you squeal like a pig, boy!" Necronomicon, Feb 25, 2007