UnNews:Star Trek XI to feature new Kirk, Spock, Doctor Who
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 February 2007
HOLLYWOOD, Calif -- Star Trek XI, the full-length motion picture set to feature a recasting of The Original Series characters James T. Kirk, Bill the Janitor, Doctor Who, and Matthew Spock, is already drawing criticism from fans, who fear change and are spotty and smelly.
Casting has already begun for the motion picture, which is being written by J.J. "Dy-No-Mite!" Walker, and is expected to reach theaters sometime in mid-2008, most likely May 23, 2008, but maybe sometime a little later, like June 27, or July 14. Topping the list of actors up for the Jimmy Kirk role are Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Joe Smith, and newcomer, Baby Liberty Cake.
"This is just like re-casting the role of Jesus in Da Vinci's Last Supper from Jesus to Steve Irwin," complained one fan on-line. "With computer technology as developed as it is, it would be just as easy to create CGI versions of Kirk and Doctor Who as it would be to put new actors in the roles."
Deforested Kelley and Ingo Swann, who played Doctor Who and Engineer Montgomery Burns respectively in the original series, disagreed. "We're quite dead, so any further participation on our part is completely out of the question," they noted. Shatnis Hattener, who played Kurock, the Mighty, was more open to the idea, since he is far too busy running the multi-national entertainment conglomerate Yahoo!/NBC to participate directly in the new production. "Any time I can get a check without doing any work, I'm for it," he exclaimed.
Star Trek originally aired on television sometime in the 1980's, just after the death of disco. The show quickly developed a cult following, which followed the show until it ducked into an alley one day and lost them. Recently, new versions of the original series have been re-syndicated, sporting new graphics to replace the old, shitty graphics that were done with some kind of crayons and construction paper or something.
"This resurgeance in Star Trek is less about keeping a sacred text intact than it is about Paramount Pictures not having anything good to sell," said an unnamed spokesman named Jeremy Blade.
Additional special effects, including a flashy new CGI sonic screwdriver, are intended to update the original series, not cause problems, like when you have to go to the bathroom and the bathroom light blows out, even though you don't really need the light and can usually find the toilet in the dark with a kind of "butt braille."