UnNews:Spelling Bee Won by Total Nerd

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 June 2006

PHILADELPHIA - The 64th Annual National Spelling Bee was won today by 12-year-old and total nerdlik, Winifred Cockbobber, from Waukensah, Wisconsin. Cockbobber won by correctly spelling the word "defenestshounistion," which means losing a body part through an open window.

The skinny, bespectacled 6th-grader at Kennedy Elementary School is described by her classmates as "a walking thong stain," and "a complete, pizza-faced loser, humming with cooties," is expected to remain homely and repulsive for the remainder of her academic career.

"She's a definite two-bagger, and the chances of her getting laid by the time she's 25 are pretty slim," admitted school counselor, Valerie Mindon. "She seems to like her hair greasy and unbrushed, and she sometimes smells like urine-soaked rotten eggs."

In addition to her interest in spelling shit, Cockbobber is also a member of the Chess Club, a National Honor Society member, and is President of the Science Club. First prize in the Spelling Bee is a full scholarship to the college of her choice, which she'll never use because she'll probably get a full scholarship from some brainiac school, anyway.

When asked about her future plans, Cockbobber nasally replied, "According to Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity, time is a function of acceleration, so the future is merely a reflection of the present in a divergent frame of reference." So we had to slap her.

Sources

• Lionel Train "Proper Delineation of "-tion" and "-sion" in Latin Derivatives"" The Spellologist, August, 2005

• Ann Rice "Nerd Beats Normal Kids in Pointless Competition" The Chicago Tribune, Smarch 13, 1967