UnNews:Sources say things, sources say

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 February 2011

The exact location of the controversy.

New York, New York -- "Things, not crap, things," Janet Cappichino, a top source at the New York Public Library, insists.

In a blatant attempt to become more than just a footnote at the bottom of the page, sources today have told UnNews that they do, in fact, say things, and claim that they're not being given their fair share of glory in the news reporting process. Citing the fact that citations are made only at the bottom of the page, and in a smaller font than the story itself, sources have made the claim that they are being discriminated against, and threaten to not only file a class action lawsuit against all major news networks, but also go on strike.

"I don't know what you [reporters] have against us," Cappichino, the source of the source's growing unrest and speaking as the head of the movement, tells us, "You take our information and pass it off as your own, and only throw us a bone by putting in a little citation at the end of your story that a reader never even looks at."

To back up their claims, sources cite a source study, studying sources cited at the bottom of printed news articles versus sources cited elsewhere, including at the top, the side margins, and in watermarks printed in the page itself. "We found that the location that most people noticed the source was at the top, just below the title, in 38-point Trebuchet font aligned to the left" Neville Graham, author of the study that was printed in the journal Source's Sources, told us. "And taking into account the findings of Source's Sources' last featured article, which discovered that 73% of Americans wanted a story's sources to be more noticeable, this is the obvious answer."

Newspapers and online news sites, however, are not buying it. "That's where my name goes," Kevin Jurgon, head writer for the New York Times says, to the general approval of his colleagues, "And you're not moving it."

Sources tell us that sources nationwide have bristled at the response they've been receiving from the major networks to their claims, and vow to take action.

** This just in - Sources now tell us at UnNews that Kevin Jurgon has genital herpes caused by an intimate relationship with a platypus.