UnNews:Solipsist suicide bomber "not true solipsist" says solipsist community
Sunday, November 25, 2018
The Center of the Universe -- A self-identified solipsist was arrested last night after posing a bomb threat in a local singles bar. The bomber was one Onan Solitario, who insists upon being referred to as "The Lone Ranger" as his criminal identity, but we won't.
Earlier in the evening, Solitario had left the following message on Facebook:
|“||I'm posting this message online, not because there's anyone to read it, but because I'm bored right now. I can't take this loneliness and existential despair anymore. I'm putting an end to it, and I'm taking existence with me. This universe may not have started with a Big Bang, but it'll sure as shit end with one.||”|
Solitario later stated that he was positive no one would read it, despite having 783 Facebook friends, apparently.
Following the message, Solitario went down to his favorite solipsist singles bar, Descartes' Dive. It was otherwise a typical Saturday night. Solitario showed up around 7 pm and spent several hours drowning his sorrows and pouring his soul out to the bartender that he didn't believe existed. At precisely 10:23, the sympathetic bartender played "One (is The Loneliest Number)" by Three Dog Nights on the jukebox upon Solitario's request. It was at that point that Solitario stood up on the bar counter and opened his trench coat to reveal a suit of dynamite strapped to his chest. As the bar went into panic and disarray, Solitario shouted at the top of his lungs "'ANA AL'AEZAM!!" and pressed the button.
Nothing happened. He pressed several more times. Nothing. The bartender soon jumped up on the counter, bonked Solitario over the head and knocked him unconscious. When Solitario awoke, he was being arrested and taken to the station. He is currently at the county prison, where he's being given mental health treatment and a loving and supportive community to rehabilitate him. Though his mind seems to already be too far gone, given that, as Solitario puts it, "life is nothing but a solitary confinement room."
Bomb analysts say Solitario failed in his suicide attempt because the bomb wasn't properly built. Solitario would comment on this, "Why in My Brain would I need to read instructions? The information would only be created and thus already exists in my mind."
Meanwhile, the solipsist community fears that the incident will put solipsists back decades by making them look crazy to the non-existent society. "He's clearly not a true solipsist," says Imma Lone, spokesperson of the American Solipsist Society, or ASS for short. "For one thing, he doesn't exist. And even if he did exist, the bomb wouldn't have killed him. It's only an illusion. His mind would have created a whole new universe for his reincarnated soul to exist."
Meanwhile, Urnut Rell, spokesperson of National Association of Mentally Balanced Lonely Narcissists, or NAMBLA for short, was asked for his comment on the situation. He simply stated, "Stop bugging me, imaginary fiends!"
The truth of the matter is that none of them are correct. I, the author, am the only true mind in existence. Yet since my mind has the ability to create reality, that means that this article, which I made up, is completely true. However, since reality is only a figment of my imagination, this article is also purely fictional. Finally, be that as none of you readers exist, I've wasted my entire time writing this. Not that it matters, since other things I could be doing are only an illusion. I would say this has been a productive waste of my time.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- Motto: "If you're looking for the one, you've found them."
- Arabic: "I am the greatest"
- She's also President, Chief Editor of the newsletter, author of everything in the newsletter, only subscriber to the newsletter, and the only member of the organization.
- As well as President, Chief Editor of the newsletter, blah blah blah.