UnNews:Snowden depressed by Russian literature

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 August 2013

In Amerika, you go through books; in Russia, books go through you!

Wikileaks - no wait that's the other one - NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been whiling away his time at Moscow airport by reading Russian classics, and is said to be "absolutely fucking bummed out" by them.

"One of my ex-girlfriends years ago always said Crime and Punishment was about redemption, so I read it hoping it was going to lighten up towards the end, but, dude, he ends up in Siberia with a prostitute," said Snowden, possibly considering his own fate, and how much nicer the weather is in Ecuador.

"Then I moved on to some short stories by Tolstoy, but they were even worse. They were all these tales of unrequited love... these fucking endless, loveless marriages where after 20 years you realize your wife is in love with her first boyfriend, or a violinist, or whatever."

Snowden was asked questions about what he made of Vladimir Putin's offer of asylum conditional on that Snowden not reveal any more US secrets (not the typical Russian demand). The former NSA teaboy seemed distracted, and, looking out misty-eyed into the distance, said in a Russian accent, "How unbearable at times are people who are happy, people for whom everything works out."

See Also

• UnNews:Concern as Snowden adopts Connery accent
• UnNews:U.S. still the only country that wants Edward Snowden

Sources

• Leverage "Lessons from Russian literature for Edward Snowden?" Channel 4 News, August 01, 2013