UnNews:Snake Related Fatalities on the Rise, says Southwest Airlines.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 July 2006

It might not look like it, but this plane is crawling with snakes.

California- A recent survey concludes that Snake Related Fatalities (SRF) are at an all time high among humans, rising nearly 900% from 2001. Surprisingly, most of these deaths take place 30,000 feet in the air, aboard commercial airliners crawling with an unknown number of snakes. When questioned on the recent snake infestation, Southwest Airlines Spokesperson Hilary Duff had little to say. "We didn't put those snakes on the planes. What else is there to say?" She responded "Now, every now and then a passenger will get bitten and possibly killed, but honestly, this problem is so small and unimportant nobody even needs to worry about it. There are at most only 17 snakes on each plane! We have the situation under control."

Local snake exterminator Samuel L. Jackson disagrees. "This situation is out of mother(expletive) control." he told reporters early Wednesday morning in a voice strong enough to kill horses. "There is an estimated 900-1000 snakes aboard each (expletive) plane, and almost 100 nests! They are in the walls and the insulation. Several snakes have even been found inside the (expletive) oxygen masks. Not only are these creatures capable of biting human passengers, but they are also prone to chew through wires, causing short-outs that could send the entire plane down in a hellish (expletive) holocaust." The most recent snake attack took place on July 11th aboard Flight 173 travelling from Germany to Las Vegas. The victim, Emo Hitler, is currently in critical condition at Saint Lucifer's, and officials are questioning the possibility of a suicide attempt.

Many experts are speculating on the possible origin of these plane dwelling serpents. Some say the snakes were placed on the aircraft to put an end to a growing mouse infestation seen in late 2005, while others believe the snakes took refuge inside the planes after facing extinction when Space Commander George Dubya Bush threatened to wipe out every species of snake after a particularly frightening April Fools joke. One black guy comments: "George Bush doesn't care about snakes".

An artist's rendition of the suspected snake. The artist is reported to be Chinese or Korean.

Nearby Internet users have the most to worry about, as it has been proven that snakes have the ability to travel through the Web and into residential homes. This is most common among AOL dial up users because of the poor security and lack of a firewall, but it has been known to happen among careless cable and satellite clients. Thankfully, only 1 out of 1000 people own the Internets so this is not speculated to cause much of a problem. A roundtable meeting is being held this Friday to discuss methods of eliminating the snakes on the planes, and it is expected that everyone will be drunk by 11 A.M. A second roundtable will be held on the following Sunday because no one will have remembered anything past their hangovers. Jesus is scheduled to make a guest appearance at the Sunday meeting and he will probably turn water into beer and get everyone drunk again. More on this story as news happens.