UnNews:Shane Warne to open evolution safari park

Monday, February 15, 2016

Kawumbi, an African chimpanzee at the park who has shown interest in UFC fighting.

Cricket legend Shane Warne has used his time on Australia's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here to promote his new safari park - Evolution World.

"Think about it," said the svelte former leg-spinner, "If humans evolved from monkeys, why don't you see them evolving right in front of you?"

Before any of his fellow contestants could chime in with what they remembered of the basics of evolution from high school, Warne began showing photos of his park, where he claims you can see monkeys evolving into humans before your very eyes.

Matthew, one of the snappiest dressers at the park, shows several signs of "being on the turn".

"This is Matthew," Warne began. "Three years ago, he was just a regular monkey. Now he wears leather jackets and swears when he is watching the rugby. I'd like to see any of those creationists out there come back on that one!"

"And this is Kawumbi," he continued. "Just five years ago, he was a common chimp - eating bananas, throwing his own feces at his enemies, and masturbating in public. Since he has taken up Ultimate Fighting, he has learned to say several human words - and he's almost abandoned the feces-throwing and masturbating."

Warne explained to the group that he founded the park after becoming increasingly disillusioned with his friends' grasp of evolution, adding that he had had several "confusing conversations" over the years.

"Darwin said we all came from monkeys, right? But then everyone wants to know why you don't see monkeys evolving these days... so I decided to start a new project. I began looking around for all the monkeys that looked like they were 'on the turn' and putting them in my park.

"I've got people all over Africa, South America, Asia, checking on every last smoking monkey - just to see if they are developing human behaviours, as opposed to being the victims of abuse."

Joanna Corey, Australia's foremost expert on evolution, was unimpressed: "Evolution theory doesn't state that we come from monkeys. It suggests that we have a common ancestor.

"Let's see... how would I explain this to a fucking idiot? It's a bit like you and your cousin having the same grandfather. But Shane is saying is that you came from your cousin, and you should expect to see your cousin turning into you any day now."

Warne's former teammates were largely unavailable for comment, although Ian Healy posted "Nice, Shaaaane," on Twitter.

Sources

• Leverage, "'I'm saying we started from aliens' – Shane Warne questions evolution" Guardian, February 15, 2016