UnNews:Serial killer reported armed with saxophone

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18 December 2006

An artist's rendition of the suspect. Note the eye patch, green skin, and red eye to symbolize his evilness.

SPUDD FALLS, Idaho -- The dead body of Edmund Traut was found today in a creek by his home in Spudd Falls, Idaho. However, when authorities informed family members as to the cause of death, they didn't expect the sort of reaction to normally tragic news.

Mr Traut was bludgeoned several hundred times with a baritone saxophone, and died of complications during surgery. Hearing of this, his wife, siblings and others burst into laughter, causing a befuddled Sheriff Anson Gizzard to scratch his head.

"It was like, they knew something was wrong and were fretting one minute, explained the Sheriff, "and cackling like defenstrated hens the next. We've got some whackos living up here in the hills, but this takes the cake, even over those Aryan Nation Separatists, in my opinion."

When the laughter had died down a bit, Mrs Traut tried to explain the odd behavior between wiping her eyes and holding cramped belly muscles. Mr Traut was easily the most hated man in Crotchaferret County, and as such, could have been killed by any of the thousands of people who'd ever met him. The irony was, he was done in with a musical instrument he truly hated.

"Buford (Traut) hated that old Be Bop music about as much as a man can, and he espcially hated baritone-sax playing Be Bop musicians. The crochety old fart got what he deserved, for all the pain he's put me and my kin through."

This was the fourth in a series of deaths by saxophone in the past week. Detectives frantically searched for saxophonists in the area, but there was only one suspect; a man named Howel Crumton, who's left arm was amputated and replaced by a baritone saxophone. Mr Crumton has been placed under arrest on suspicion of multiple homicides with a musical instrument, and has the sax on his stump confiscated as evidence.

Sources

• Stan Getz "Even killers get the blues" Cereal Killers Gazette, December 18, 2006