UnNews:Scottish independence vote: aftermath

Friday, September 19, 2014

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

Ned Stark's Alex Salmond's end came as a shock to many, who had expected him to be the hero of the story.

After weeks of heated debate, the Scottish referendum on independence has ended in a "no" vote, meaning that the country has opted to stay part of the United Kingdom.

Newsworthy moments from last night:

• An announcement was made that all references to Scotland the Brave must be replaced with Scotland the Lame.
• Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party saying. "You can take our lives, but you can never take our free..." before being yanked off stage by a walking cane.
• Salmond's decapitated head surfaced at the Tower of London, where the Duke of York openly urinated over it.
• David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, appeared drunk on the BBC, sliding the Scottish flag between his legs, referring to his "sweaty balls" in a Scottish accent.
• Loyalists Scots went on a rampage through the country, burning kilts, tam o' shanters and shortbread factories.
• The Witty English Football Fans Association (WEFFA) vowed never to let the Scottish forget this loss of political nerve for the next thousand matches, and promised to have already written some hilarious chants about it.
• Celtic and Rangers fans both solemnly swore to add the referendum to their huge, tedious list of source sectarian hatred.
• The Queen released a public statement welcoming the vote, and expressed her hope that it would herald "one hundred years of darkness" for the unfaithful.

On behalf of all of us at UnNews, enjoy your life with the UK.