UnNews:Scientists discover that everything happened in one second in 600 B.C., which is why the world is so boring nowadays

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27 December 2007

Swiss Scientists Discover Why the World is so Boring

It has recently been discovered by scientists in Switzerland that everything that could possibly ever happen happened long ago way back in 600 B.C. This helps to explain just why exactly the world is so boring nowadays.

This discovery is largely both impossible and paradoxical, not only in that, since everything happened back then, this discovery also happened 2607 years before it actually happened, but also in that it is a known impossibility that the Swiss can discover schmidt. Of course, in this case, they didn't discover schmidt, but it's also a lesser known impossibility that the Swiss can discover anything at all, therefore rendering their actual discovery announcement a blatant lie built to increase national publicity and tourism. However, we all can rest relieved that everyone can just blame it on Paris hilton and everyone will ignore it. So there, it's all Paris Hilton's fault.

However, the Swiss would also like to remind us that they did, in fact, invent the internet, to which we will blatantly reply that, yes, they did, but that was an invention, not a discovery. The Swiss will then respond by going and sulking in a dark corner of the world behind the alps and becoming emo. However, this doesn't have the desired effect because everyone loves them anyway because they have awesome accents. The Swiss, however, refuse to reveal the source of their accents to the rest of the world, though top Russian researchers believe them to be the result of not participating in a war for the past hundred years. Sadly, this is apparently not acchievable for the rest of the world, but an immitation accent is becoming available through a method that involves eating low calorie meat pies and sining about cannibalism.