UnNews:San Francisco combats hardcore homeless problem

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 August 2006

Alleged homeless man can afford a nice chablis, apparently.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Supervisor and "homeless czar" Angela Alioto has announced a three-pronged program to cure the so-called "hardcore homeless" problem.

The hardcore homeless are a subgroup of homeless people who rave 'til dawn and rock the place, getting hyper, hyper, first discovered by Alioto during the Care Not Cash debates four years ago. At the time, Alioto pointed out that helping the mainstream homeless was relatively easy, but the hardcore homeless had special needs. For example, most of the hardcore homeless keep very late hours, which makes it difficult to integrate them back into normal society.

However, since this initial discovery, it has become evident that there are at least three subgroups of the hardcore homeless population. Alioto has mobilized community activists and public health authorities to help solve the problem, and today, their long-awaited solution was announced.

The happy hardcore homeless are young, drug-addled, and multiracial, and relatively content with their lives on the street. But now, thanks to Slipmatt's "SMD #1" program, now in effect all over the place, their special needs will be met with intensive medication.

The euphoric hardcore homeless are even younger, and even more drug-addled--and, surprisingly, mostly Asian and white. Activist Vinylgroover of the Euphoric Outreach Program has asked everyone to believe the hype, release the love, and provide increased funds for candy to supply the needs of this community--and the city has come through with a massive program of gummy bears, sugar necklaces, and sucker rings.

The traditional hardcore homeless, unlike the former subgroups, are not content to float on the vibe of the streets. Older, slightly less drug-addled, and heavily Hispanic, these hardcore homeless tend to be angry and sometimes confrontational. European specialist Paul Elstak, a former member of the hardcore homeless himself, has spoken at length about the terror and furious anger experienced on the streets, as the homeless gabber to themselves, "What's wrong with my brain? What is wrong with me? Are you ready for judgement day? Danger! Danger!" Together with top psychiatric and public health researchers, Elstak has suggested heavy doses of anti-depressants; as he puts it, "Here comes the Prozac!"

While it is still too early to tell whether these measures will have an effect on San Francisco's hardcore homeless problem, local activist groups OmniEra and SF United have expressed optimism. In the words of spokesman Crazy C, "We gonna kick it out!"