UnNews:Sales of new OTC HIV test unsurprisingly low

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 March 2013

Potential customer Candy Smitherley told us she wouldn't buy an over the counter HIV test, because "It might change people's image of me."

The first over-the-counter HIV test, Oraquick, is reporting record low sales across all 50 U.S. states, causing speculation about whether an over-the-counter HIV test is something that people even want to buy.

Oraquick’s spokesman, Magic Johnson, jokingly admitted to reporters that, "Sales last quarter were lower than my T-cell count." This news comes as no surprise to critics who say that nobody in their right mind would buy an HIV test in public.

The company’s website says customers can also order their HIV test over the phone and receive it in three to four business days. Johnny Yades, an outspoken critic of the product, said that, “At best, you can wait three days for an HIV test, or at worst, should your test get lost in the mail, you may end up returning the HIV test for an AIDS test by the time you do receive it.”

The Oraquick website cautions users that, "A positive result with this test does not mean that you are definitely infected with HIV, but rather that additional testing should be done in a medical setting. A negative result with this test does not mean that you are definitely not infected with HIV," making it ideal for those who like their tests to be inconclusive and unsettling.

The fastest way to perform the test is to use a lancet device and prick your finger to gather a small drop of blood, similar to how Wilford Brimley and other people with diabeetus check their blood sugar. The device can be reused or shared with friends after thorough cleaning with the cleaning kit (sold separately).

Oraquick is also available for children in 37 states, but they must bring their elementary school ID with them at the time of purchase. In fact, the deluxe edition features an extendable wand for fetus testing, making the product one of the few to tap into the fetus consumer base.

Despite such wide availability, critics say that the over-the-counter HIV test comes twenty years too late. “It's been an abysmal failure,” says Yades. "In the 80's and early 90's, HIV was cool and trendy, but in the 2010’s HIV is just clichéd and funny. So much so in fact, that some humor websites cover the subject of HIV and AIDS ad nauseam."