UnNews:Russian election cancelled as Putin declares war on himself
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 December 2007
MOSCOW, Russia-- Putin, today, has declared war on himself as "Communism is gay". These were the last recorded words by the BBC today before Putin launched a nuke vertically upwards. It is believed the death toll will be low, due to the low quality of Russian-made nuclear devices.
Vassili Chebychev, of the Communist Russia Agency for Protection (or CRAP) has released the following statement; "the". These are strong words coming from a person in such a high-ranking position, especially considering the recent controversy over his talks with his imaginary friend Steve.
The Russian public have been advised to not go out under any circumstances without a mask: radiation can be quite pungent to the nose, with other side effects being sneezing, itchness and weird-looking offspring. It is so far unknown exactly when the device is expected to collide with the ground but it is anticipated that Newton's controversial theory "what come up, must come down" will apply, although some experts are rivalling this with "shut up, you c***". We managed to interview a local man, who described the whole situation as boring, and asserted that he doesn't even think that communism is gay. Unfortunately, Putin's special police overheard this and forced him to don a pink sweater and dance down the street signing the YMCA.
However, not everyone thinks that this is a bad thing. The nuclear devices have a "use by" date and if they don't get used before that, they just get sold to rogue states such as Somethingistan which could use them to hold the US to ransom. Somethingistan raises money for these devices by publishing internally sourced books suck as "Hiding in holes for dummies", with a foreword written by Bin Laden.