UnNews:Russell Brand in the running for Pope job
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 June 2010
VATICAN CITY, Rome, Italy -- Former English junkie , turned celebrity and actor , Russell Brand confirmed today that he wants to 'run the Catholic Church' as the next pope.
In an interview with this web news organ, Brand said he had been thinking about becoming the next pope after watching his beloved West Ham football side just escape relegation in the recent English Premier League season. Brand said that when it seemed West Ham were about to lose and drop a division, he had taken a vow after drinking in the celebrity hospitality suite that if 'The Hammers' had stayed up, he would throw his hat in the ring and replace Pope Benedict XVI. Now that has happened, Brand is willing to give up actively supporting his team and get elected pope.
Yeah...well it was a pretty easy idea to come up. Look...the pope business is so old fashioned and all the current leaders there are either under investigation for paedophilia or molestation or were involved in the cover up to keep this secret. Why..even the Pope's brother [Georg Ratzinger] was doing it...so having someone like me as pope will be a right kick up the cassocks for everyone..
Brand's previous career as a self confessed sex and drug addict would at first not look a promising platform to run for the job of pope - though he pointed out that he was willing to go to confession to get that all off his famous hairy chest. He did admit that he wasn't sure if he was actually a Catholic but said it would be 'no hassle man do all that sacrilegious stuff' and that he would happily sit on the famous sedes stercoraria , a papal commode used for centuries to check if candidate's testicles were canonically correct.
..look..I can pontificate and talk a load of bollocks when ever someone pays me to do it, so being pope seems no big deal to me. I've done Big Brother and Get Him to the Greek which - by the way - is my own way of healing the Great Schism with the Orthodox Christian community. I am sure once I am pope, the churches will packed out and all Catholics will welcome someone who knows how to do humble. I've sown my wild oats, shagged my arse off..now all I want to do is settle down with Katy Perry and move into the Vatican's honeymoon suite. Vote for Me is what I say.
Brand's manifesto will it said include the following policy commitments:-
- Official end of the belief in Hell.
- Giving nuns the vote in Papal Elections.
- Instituting a Naked Friday rule when in residence.
- Restoring the reputation of Pope Alexander VI (the Borgia Pope).
- Asking Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen to redecorate St.Peter's.
- Katy Perry to be Deputy Pope whilst Russell Brand is sleeping off a hangover.
- And..no more of that (see picture) - what ever it is.
Already Russell Brand has set up a website to promote his papal ambitions at www.brand-for-pope.com and will also create a Facebook and go on Twitter to spread his message. He also says Katy has recorded a song with the title I Kissed the Pope which will be played once he is announced victor. Brand says he also intends to invite all his 'mate's and showbiz friends to do a live concert in St.Peter's Square where everyone would be invited 'except Evangelical shit stirrers'. As for what Papal name he would used, Brand said he quite liked being called Pope Bloke but would make up his mind on the day.
When approached by UnNews for their comment, the Vatican pointed out that they had never heard of Russell Brand. Though they admitted that some previous popes had been involved in murder,assassination, digging up the dead, fathering children when in office and general thieving, those days had long passed. They also said Pope Benedict had no intention of resigning as 'only God can do that'.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Sid Slacker. "Pope Russell! Britain's beardy serial bonker wants the top job in the Catholic world." Daily Mirror, June 8, 2010
- Federico Fellini "La marca di Russell Brand di inglese vuole state bene a papa!" Corriere della Sera, June 8, 2010