UnNews:Robber arrest after kiss 'most French thing ever'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 February 2014

Police admitted the arrest was 'Frencher than a pot full of garlic'.

The arrest of a jewellery store robber whose DNA was traced after he kissed one of the hostages is 'the most French thing ever' according to experts.

The unnamed suspect, aged 22, and another man were said to have tied up an employee of the store in Paris, poured water on her, saying it was petrol, and threatened to burn her if she did not co-operate.

The suspect told the press that he felt sorry for the victim, and kissed her to calm her down. The little strumpet (pouline) sat there with his saliva on her cheek, and accordingly presented it to les gendarmes when they arrived, possibly with a coquettish tilt of her head.

Sociologist Joanna Corey wrote on her blog, of which we are the sole readers: "Last year, performance artist Pierre Parkour wore a beret and a striped top and hit a piece of garlic in the air with a baguette, which then landed on a wizened old man smoking a Gitane and painting. That is now the second most French thing ever."

UnNews sneaked into the prison for an exclusive interview, having bribed the guards with red wine and fine cheese. The suspect told us: "I am - 'ow you zay - furieux. I woz tryin' to 'elp this gurrrl, to make 'er feel better after ze robbery.

"If I know zat dis ladee was going to trace me with ze DNA, I would 'ave - how you say - made ze éjaculé" on ze face."

Sources

• Leverage, "Paris DNA crime: Parting kiss traps jewellery robber" BBC, February 05, 2014