UnNews:Recession certain to spread to newly discovered planet Kepler 20f warn experts
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 December 2011
LONDON, United Kingdom -- The U.N. Conference on Trade and Development has warned that the economic crisis is so dire it is likely to spread to two newly discovered Earth-sized planets.
Dr Francois Fressin, of the Harvard-Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics in Cambridge, US, who led the research into discovering the new worlds, said there was little hope Kepler 20f and it's smaller neighbour Kepler 20e escaping recession:
"These two planets are far too similar to our planet to escape the financial troubles. Kepler 20f is almost exactly the same size as Earth and has a water vapour atmosphere. The financial uncertainty has cast a shadow over what should have been an exciting discovery."
The U.N. further stated that as Kempler 20f's surface temperature is too hot to support life, it puts it into the same brackets as the Japan and Greece in terms of industrial stagnation. "There is no real hope of any growth in the short-term", they told us.
Despite inhospitable conditions of the planet, the Hubble Telescope has already spotted tents and MacBook Pro's from the 'Occupy' movement on the surface.
Further extraterrestrial woes have been reported in regards to the previous safe-bet: The Earth's Sun. The big ball of hot plasma interwoven with magnetic fields is not in the Eurozone, but is not immune from the effects of its crisis. The credit rating agency Moody's has already moved to downgrade the star from 'Yellow Dwarf' to 'Magnolia Dwarf' after it was announced the sun is to cut the level of hydrogen it fuses from 620 million metric tons of hydrogen per second, to 530 tons.
The consequences of the Sun's move is that daylight will be unavailable on Tuesdays, and this is set to affect the already shaky photosynthesis industry. "We can expect a sharp reduction in leaves," warned angry sycamores. These comments were met with a flurry of activity in the Do Deciduous market.
With the financial crisis becoming increasingly inter-galactic, the already overstretched hyperbole used by financial experts to describe just how much shit we're in is being put under further strain. The result of this has been finance commentators and credit-agency spokesman escalating their prenouncements by using profanity. As such all financial news is now to be broadcast after the 9pm watershed.
"They're wanking without a penis," Howard Archer, economist at IHS Global Insight said about the debt problem in Spain yesterday. And today the IMF released a statement warning many Eurozone countries will have their credit rating downgraded to "triple-A-fucked-up".
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Lisa Schlein "UN Issues Dire Warning About World Economy" Voice of America, December 19, 2011
- Pallab Ghosh "First Earth-sized planets spotted" BBC News, December 20, 2011