UnNews:Predictions for 2014
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 January 2014
1) Miley Cyrus to release new album, I'm a Young Woman and I Masturbate. Despite much hand-wringing from the world's media, 10m mothers buy it for their daughters and grimace as their young-uns sing along to hit inter-racial sex single Flick the Bean For the Beaner.
2) Barack Obama hatches a cunning plan to get a third term in power, by starting to appear in public as his own female cousin, Beryl Obama.
3) Queen Elizabeth II dies but for some reason Charles still doesn't get to be king.
4) We learn the truth about the late Nelson Mandela *coughs* killed Kennedy *coughs*
5) Beyonce hits the number one spot with new song based around 9/11 victims screaming as they fell to their deaths.
6) Lady Gaga shows first signs of mental strain by insisting she be called Lady Gagagaga. Doctors blame it on mad cow disease contracted from that dress.
7) NFL refutes claims about the game causing players brain damage by presenting Dan Firman, a former New York Giants linebacker, who can now see into another dimension.
8) A major shock as the football World Cup in Brazil is won by tennis.
9) UnNews is approached by The Onion in an attempted buy-out but it is revealed to be a prank.
10) Red Indians take back Colorado from all the hippies.