UnNews:Pope Benedict 'defrocked twice as many priests'

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18 January 2014

Da Vinci Code types are now analysing old photos of the popes, to see whether he is blessing controversial priests, or zapping their unmentionables.

Almost a year after his shock resignation, the first details are coming to light regarding the circumstances surrounding Pope Benedict's stepping down as head of the Catholic church.

The Vatican confirmed today that, "Close to 400 priests were defrocked in only two years by the former Pope Benedict XVI over claims of child abuse." This amounts to twice the number defrocked in the previous two years by Pope John Paul II.

It is not clear at present whether the church is implying that Benedict's actions were something they thought worth boasting about (look how many paedophiles we have pulled the frocks off), or whether such behaviour actually pressured him into resigning (this makes it look like we have twice as many paedophiles as last year - stop pulling their frocks off).

What is certain is that the revelation has received a mixed reaction. A spokesman for prominent children's charity Save the Children, told us, "We cannot condone this kind of an eye-for-an-eye approach. Pulling a priest's frock off just because he was accused of child abuse ultimately doesn't solve any problems, and might lead to vigilante style de-frockings during Sunday mass."

A little disappointed with such a reasoned response, UnNews went out to do some vox pops and found an adult woman in a tracksuit. This is what she said: "I think it's good. It's the only language they understand. They're monsters these people. It's the only language they understand. Strip 'em naked, that's what I say. Give 'em a taste of their own medicine, know what I mean?"

Pope Francis was not available for comment, although it is unclear weather he was defrocked as well.