UnNews:Polite people revealed to be psycho-killers

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 August 2008

This poster, frequently found in American Post Offices and Unitarian Churches, is a handy guide to spotting a bloke who's likely to slit your throat.

GREYHOUND BUSS, PoutineLand -- Shocked Canadian citizens began to insult each other with increasing frequency today after recovering from the news that a polite newspaper carrier ducked out of his job and stable marriage to brutally slay and decapitate another passenger on the bus. The attacker was known to use such phrases as "Thank you" "You're welcome" and chillingly, "Have yourself a wonderful day" for much of his life leading up to the killing.

Rambled our man on the street, "This just goes to prove, as high-paid psychologists raised in stable homes have always said- we should get these things out of us before they escalate to this kind of activity. I mean, the other day I was just about to hit my co-worker using this crowbar until he was unconscious, but instead resorted to telling him repeatedly to fuck off. At first, it just seemed to encourage him, but eventually a combination of destroying small objects with the crowbar while screaming a stream of expletives discouraged him. Let me just say, a murder was avoided by finally calling my co-worker 'a dick smoker with shit for brains' at the top of my lungs."

Doctors are now saying that cursing uncontrollably in public is part of a healthy lifestyle, once or twice a day for annoying children and multiple times a day for so-called adults, dumbass. "If the murderer had taken the time to insult everybody on that bus, none of this would have happened. It just would have been another day on the bus for everybody else.". The piece-of-shit murderer avoided trying to insult dumb people, so he had to kill them, obviously, I mean- DUH ... jerkoff.

The murderer's english as a second language teacher disagreed. "We not arrowed bad word. Mr. Nice Guy arr the time. Get good job, speak engrish, nice wife. He ask for word for hurt other man, I not teach it! Tell me, what is word for 'kick between reg'?"

Friends close to the victim are reeling from shock. "He was a totally well adjusted guy, " explained his friend Tiny Fartknocker, "He made a habit of insulting people behind their backs because it's so entertaining. He used to call me a total asshole, like, every time we met." breaking down in tears, he was unable to continue.

Sources

• Shocked writer "Shocking news story" Days of our rives, Couple days ago