UnNews:Police spokespeople apologise for being prick teases
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 February 2013
LONDON, England -- A spokeswoman for the World Association of Police Spokespeople (WAPS) has apologised today on behalf of all members for being such prick teases when giving details about breaking cases.
Yesterday South African journalists complained over the initial police statement in the Oscar Pistorius case, which read, "We can confirm that a 26 year old man has been arrested for murder at the house of well known paralympian Oscar Pistorius. We cannot confirm the man's identity. We can also confirm that a 30 year old woman died at the scene, but she cannot be named until her family identify her."
When asked if anyone except the two residents of the house were on the scene, the spokeswoman confirmed, "No," to which a journalist replied, "Well, for fuck's sake, can you just tell us what happened?"
With this apparently not a possibility, the spokeswoman went on to confirm that there had been "previous incidents of a domestic nature", a sentence so empty that the entire huddle of journalists burst into tears of frustration. It was this moment which prompted the action from WAPS.
"We're sorry," said the WAPS spokeswoman at the association's London headquarters,[1] "We have abused our power. We like it when we have you on tenterhooks, just begging for the information, so instead of either naming names or saying nothing, we prefer to give you these juicy hints, the mental equivalent of giving your cock a little rub every minute or two, to keep it hard, but not taking you all the way, no, no, no... sorry where was I? Oh yeah, it's not cool, we'll talk to you like adults from now on."
"And now, I can confirm: a certain Uncyclopedia reader might be getting lucky with an unidentified member of the thin blue line, measuring 36-25-26."
Notes which may or may not be found at the bottom of a page[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Policemen were invented in London by Robert Peel. Before him victims of crime just went around saying, "Shouldn't somebody be doing something about this?"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage "South African cop teases you bad" BBC, February 15, 2013