UnNews:Police foil terrorist plot to put snakes on a plane

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 August 2006

Passengers adapt to the new carry on restrictions

LONDON, U.K. -- British police have arrested 19 men accused of plotting to put snakes on a dozen Trans Atlantic flights this morning. Eight suspects are still on the run and security measures in British and American airports have been tightened.

“These suspects have been under observation for some time now,” said the head of London Metropolitan Police Sir Ian Sinclair. “It was when we intercepted the message, ‘Put the fucking snakes on the fucking planes’ that we suspected that there was a high probability of an attack.”

The men arrested are also accused of having links to terrorist networks Al Queda, and P.E.T.A.

Deputy Head of Homeland security Samuel L. Jackson said “Enough is enough; I have had it with these motherfucking terrorists trying to put motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane.”

He then promised to “open up a can of whup ass on these reptile breeding bitches.”

In response to these allegations the Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level from “Hysterical” to “Panicked”.

Security experts are also casting doubt on the plot. Bruce Schneider told Unnews that the idea of trying to assemble the snakes on the plane was probably beyond the expertise of the accused.

“Duct tape won’t really work.” He said. “The snake would just keep bleeding underneath it. What you really need is microsurgery. But I just don't see how you can bring a airplane toilet up to hospital grade hygiene .”

Heathrow and Gatwick airports have considerably tightened security. With all passengers are now no longer able to carry on hair gel, iPods, nor wear any clothing.

Civil libertarians have been quick to criticize the tough new measures.

“Forcing all passengers to undergo full body cavity searches is ridiculous,” said Q.C Geoffrey Robinson. “It’s not like you can hide an anaconda in your anus. The bloody thing would bite your arse off.”

Despite this, security at Heathrow suffered an embarrassing gaff this morning. A twelve year old runaway boy from Brighton managed to smuggle an entire Starbucks café on to British Airways flight to New York.

Sources

• Charles Atlas "Sugar-high Fire Breathing Dragons on a plane" New Zoo Revue, August 25, 2006