UnNews:Patriots just might be cheating!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 December 2007

That doesn't prove anything, quit shoopin all this crap up.

FOXBORO, Massachusetts, New and Improved England - Several NFL head coaches unexpectedly accused the New England Patriots of cheating today, after they recently squeaked by the Jets by a final score of 154-6. NFL sideline judges stormed the compound beneath their stadium and discovered a massive control room that seemed to be homed in on several sidelines and stadiums around the league - particularly, of course, the New York Jets at the Meadowlands. Jets head coach Eric Mangini called the weak investigation "blatant bullshit." Bill, listen. You win. I get it, we all get it. I'm sorry that I said anything in the first place, now will you quit being a dick and-

That's right, New England sports fans, the beloved Pats just might be cheating. Quite frankly, this seems impossible to comprehend. They've always been the greatest sports team in the world, no doubt about it. Suppose that they WERE cheating. Does that mean that the Sox were up to no good as well? Bullhonk. They're the greatest team ever. They've won like, 50 World Series in a row, asshole, so quit your crying and go back to cheering for Tampa or whoever. Oh, that's right. No one fucking likes them. Grow a pair and root for a real team like, uh, the Red Sox. You know you want to, anyway. They're the greatest team to ever step onto your dirtbag field. Christ. Spygate, what a bunch of crap. More like Spygay, right? Haha. Great one.

What? Everyone does that.

OH. Oh, uh, cheating. Yeah, whatever. That's a bunch of crack, the Patriots wouldn't cheat. We've got fucking Tom Brady. Who needs to cheat when you've got a godly stud like that at the helm. He threw for 97 touchdowns last year and ran for like, fifty more. Can your McCown do that? Haha, didn't think so. Quit being a little bitch and try winning a game for once. We'll stop scoring when you stop trying to stop us. That's how life works, dipshit. If you don't like it, find some slimy way around and tape some crap from the mezzanine. Wait, what?

Yep, I think we can close the book on this one. Who would sink low enough to cheat at a game? If you just said Patriots, I'll fuckin knock your ass so far up itself you'll be coughing your own shit. That'll show you to roll with the big boys.

Sources

• Gregory Peccary "New (and Better) England Football Coaches Overworked and Underpaid" Zulch! Quarterly, December 15, 2007