UnNews:Patients a "burden on NHS"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 September 2007

Efficiency above all! Trust me. I'm a doctor.

OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Friday -- Patients are having a "major impact" on the NHS due to increased risk of complications and the need for extra equipment and staff. A study found that patients need care, which can have an impact on waiting times for managerial bonuses and privately-funded infrastructure subsidies.

A total of 16 hospitals were studied, with 33 trust managers, paper shufflers and other professionals taking part in interviews for the research. Interviewees described patients as "having a major impact on service, specifically in relation to the level of care required, costs and resource implications. And our yearly payoff."

Trust him? I'm the only living Englishman who can do a good American accent!

Some healthcare professionals feel that patients are a public health issue, with a lack of national guidance on which to base local policy for financial sustainability. Several areas for improvement were noted, including incentives for self-care and reducing levels of service to patients who refused to cease unhealthy habits such as buying food they could afford, living in a city or being too poor to afford BUPA. "Every effort to intervene, belittle and put off should be made towards those patients who are outside our reasonable established parameters or have not the energy to deal with a proper and standard bureaucratic maze.

"Action is needed to ensure that the problem is dealt with immediately, with the sensitivities of all involved carefully considered — not just managers, but also the private infrastructure companies and Government ministers and their staff."

Sources

• Nurse R. Atched "Nanny tried to bring you up right and all you're doing is being ill" Journal of Stupefying Science Friction, August 31, 2007