UnNews:No wonder I like big butts and I cannot lie

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."

THE MANAGEMENT

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Sirmixalot.jpg

By Sir Mix-A-Lot
Rapper, butt enthusiast
Phone: 1-900-MIXALOT

“Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because she looks like a total prostitute, okay? I mean, her butt, it's just so big. Ugh, I can't believe it's just so round, it's like out there, I mean, ugh, gross. Look! She's just so black!”
– "Baby Got Back" intro

What up, yo? Back in 1992, I famously declared "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Well, guess what? A word to you thick soul sisters, science agrees with me. In fact, those silicone parts really are made for toys. According to a recent study by the University of Oxford, women with bodacious booties are smarter and healthier, plus they're more likely to give birth to smarter children. This means that there's a chance you-know-who will be the last orange orangutan allowed to run amok in the White House. Damn, I can't wait for everyone to get their lives back.

Anyway, these lovely ladies have lower cholesterol, are more resistant to chronic illnesses, and they have lower glucose than women with more petite glutes. That's why you ain't seen small butts on Jeopardy! 'Cause she ain't no average groupie! Scientists speculate that fatty acids such as Omega 3 contribute to this phenomenon.

So the next time a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste and a round thing in your face, you damn well better get sprung, man! I hope you've got room in your Benz. A lot of simps won't like these results, 'cause them punks like to hit it and quit it.

And while I'm here, has anyone seen the Pizza Hut commercial? "Baby Got Back" is the gift that keeps on giving.

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