UnNews:Newslack: Market panics just in case

The PANIC BUTTON is a last resort weapon of the English stock market.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 April 2007

BLADDERWRACK, Wales -- To PANIC of Not to PANIC? The total lack of news has claimed its first victim today in the shape of the English stock market. The complete lack of any newsworthy item being produced by broadcasting industries worldwide together with complete silence from Trevor McDonald has sent a metaphorical tsunami across the market as a whole.

English marketeers, imported from India look desperately on as the metaphorical tsunami takes shape and crosses the PANIC THRASH-HOLD (the yellow line).

Though absolutely unaffected by anything, the market has decided to panic just in case, which may lead to increased petrol costs and taxes for no apparent reason. Security camera's are reported being installed to combat this crisis, even though their only known effect thus far is on New Labour's poll ratings and STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl multiplayer lag.

Brown, characteristically clutching his brandy flask, has issues a flurry of CCTV and speed cameras to be stationed at all innaproriate places to combat the Newslack crisis.

In a 10 Downing Street spin-release, Gordon 'Taxy' Brown is reportedly looking at the issue with Eminent Belgian waffles in his face, but not necessarily in his mouth. Though what actual issue he is looking at remains to be seen.

Sources

• Albert (not the man from of of U.N.C.L.E). "Albert the Sixth Marketeer on the Panic Line Trend Break." Thatcherism Largely, 28 April 2007

• Yeltsin, Ghost of. "Market in Panic - A Derridian Critique" Hercule Poirot, 28 April 2007