UnNews:New study: "Give Kids More Booze!"

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27 April 2007

Vernon enjoys a can of premium beer, before being locked in the garden shed, yesterday.

ROYAL DISINFORMATION SERVICE, UK -- PARENTS should give alcohol to their children to "calm them down a bit" a new report has suggested. The report highlights the fact that "an extremely drunk child is usually a quiet child". The findings come after a year long study into how to keep children, "out of sight and mind" whilst parents get on with their lives.

"All this claptrap about the importance of interaction with your offspring needs to be laid to rest", said the author of the report Major Clarence Beernut. "Why, when I were a lad, my mam plied me with methalated spirit every night. Never did me a jot of harm, by jove!"

The report also recommends that on getting home from school children should be given a few shots of whiskey or vodka followed by the equivalent of a bottle of 12% proof wine to wash down their dinner. It even goes so far as to say that evening meals should be laced with horse tranquiliser.

Birmingham mother Jan Leeming has been plying her two month old twins with Champagne since they were born, "They're not looking too healthy to be honest but the little darlings are quiet as lambs. It makes my life much easier." she rambled incoherently yesterday.

Major Beernut is not short of additional advice for keeping a tight noose on those older kids. "For those long days when the little scrotes are on school holiday, and so stuck under your feet for 24 sodding hours, a regular supply of cold, premium strength beer should keep them on their backs." Beernut advised.

The latest research comes weeks after a separate paper, also by Major Beernut recommended that new born babies should be kept in a garden shed or garage, "to enable long suffering parents some well deserved peace and bloody quiet."

Major Clarence Beernut tragically died last night after his liver imploded.

Sources

• BBC "You CAN give booze to a baby!" BBC, April 27, 2007