UnNews:New cervical cancer vaccine delivered via my penis

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 December 2006

Me and a couple of friends out hiking.

LONDON, England -- Experts met in London Tuesday to discuss how to make a cervical cancer vaccine available to hot women in poor countries who need it most, and they decided that I should deliver it personally with my own dick.

The two-day meeting was being attended by me and some 60 representatives from public health agencies, pharmaceutical companies, non-governmental organizations and philanthropic foundations to try to accelerate poor hot chicks' access to the vaccine.

Merck & Co.'s Gardasil is the first licensed vaccine, which is actually delivered by rubbing a dose of it on my weenis and inserting it into a hot chick's pootie. Nice work if you can get it. The vaccine protects against two types of the human papillomavirus, or HPV, which cause 70 percent of cervical cancers.

While the HPV vaccine has been hailed as a breakthrough in cancer prevention, its price — $360 for a three-shot dose — puts it out of reach for many hot chicks in developing countries.

Last year, more than 500,000 women worldwide were diagnosed with cervical cancer, which is usually fatal if untreated. It is the second-most common type of cancer in women, right after tit cancer.

"That's why we decided to have Tshell deliver it personally," said Dr. Nothemba Simelela, a senior official at International Planned Parenthood Federation. "He's got the right equipment, the right attitude, and should be able to bone a half-million chicks in as little as two years."