UnNews:New Yorkers smell fresh air, run like Hell

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10 January 2007

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New Yorkers get out of Dodge after smelling fresh air for the first time

NEW YORK, New York - People in the five buroughs of New York City ran like hell yesterday as fresh air was brought into the city for the first time in over a century. "We had no idea what that smell was", said one commuter. "It was totally alien to our city. It put the fear of God in us".

Apparently, the fresh air idea was the brainchild of New York City's mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "New York hasn't had fresh air in such a long time. We figured people would appreciate it. Boy, were we wrong.", said the mayor. The city began the project at 6:00 am in the morning. About ten minutes into pumping fresh air into Manhattan, commuters began to panic.

"The panic started in Chinatown and Soho", said one police officer, who wished to remain anonymous. "These people have no idea what fresh air is. They've never smelled it before. Can you blame them for going ape shit?"

Within an hour, the fresh air had spread across the river into Brooklyn. The Bedford-Sty area was evacuated within a mere five minutes, setting off a riot not seen since the great blackout of '77. "You start to think all you've got to fear is the Bloods and the Crypts", said one gang member. "Then, you get that smell in your head. It drives you crazy. You don't know how to act".

Injuries from the incident were minor. The one fatality occurred in the Chelsea section when tourists ran over a street vendor selling fake Rolexes and Mont Blanc pens. Police say the vendor was being opportunistic and trying to take advantage of the large crowds making their way towards the bridges and tunnels.

Mayor Bloomberg has unequivocably stated that the experiment will not be repeated. "We can't have the entire city in chaos like this. They're just going to have to put up with the smog from now on."

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