UnNews:New York restaurants cut fat ahead of schedule
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 July 2007
NEW YORK - Coerced into cutting the levels of lard and other trans-fat-laden shortenings, New York restaurants have duped diners by switching, earlier than required, to low-fat alternatives. Many have opted to use fat extracted by plastic surgeons during liposuction treatments or to employ the reserves of “excess fat” that remains after morticians cremate human remains. Restaurateurs say that their clients have no idea that the hamburgers or fries they’re eating have been fried in liposuction fat extracts or human “cremains.” “All they know,” Syd Goff, owner of Fine Fast Foods To Go said, “is that their food still tastes great.”
Trans fat came under fire, so to speak, by federal government busybodies who, despite traditional political donations and bribes, take their roles as the big brothers of the nanny state seriously. “Adults can’t make intelligent decisions for themselves,” Food and Drug Administration deputy Donna Savvy told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “They need us to tell them what to do, when to do it, where to do it, and how much of it to do.”
Goff and other restaurant owners have gone the government one better in getting rid of fat in their eateries. “We fired Marla,” he said, speaking of his 325-pound night waitress. “Everybody loved her, and she had attitude,” he admitted, “but we decided to get rid of her fat ass, along with the trans fat shortenings.”
For the same reason, Hungry As a Hippo Hamburgers and Shakes’ proprietor, Henry Hanks, said he gave Monica Lloyd the axe. “Figuratively,” he hastened to add, “not literally.” He explained his decision to fire the popular waitress by saying, “Without her 400 pounds around to set a bad example, people are eating more lean and less fat.”
The American Civil Liberties Union has vowed to challenge Goff’s and Hanks’ firings of the waitresses in federal court. Firing them just because they are overweight, an ACLU spokesperson said, “is fatheaded and unconstitutional.”
Advised of the lawsuit pending against him, Goff replied, “We’ll have to see how the Supreme Court’s new conservative justices weigh in on the matter.”
Meanwhile, according to Marla, the fired waitress, “no one will hire me. They say it’s nothing personal; I’m just too fat.”
Goff hopes his termination of the former waitress will help her to shed some of her weight. “She’s obese, and that’s not healthy.” Nevertheless, he admitted that it might be difficult for Marla to lose pounds on “an all-beef hotdog diet.” He did have a suggestion for his former employee, though: “Drink diet sodas. You have to start somewhere.”
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- Lotta Lies "Trans fat proves a weighty matter as fatheads go too far, some say" Instant News, 44 seconds ago