UnNews:New Minimum Wage Increase Brings New Hopes To Workers

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24 June 2009

I will... get laid-- finally.

WASHINGTON- Thousands of workers are rejoicing today following the increase of the minimum wage. America's Strawberry pickers, factory workers, street sweepers and undocumented workers now have a new challenge: managing their new fortunes.

The previous minimum wage, at $7.75, "was a cheap short-changing of real, hard labor.", said Simon Johnson, a street sweeper from Denver.

Yesterday though, in Congress, a new bill increasing the minimum wage to $7.80 was unanimously passed in the Senate and House of Representatives, and signed by President Obama. Upon hearing the news, many workers were thrilled. Many have new plans.

John Mann, a cashier from Miami will spend big now. "I will buy a new computer. Then, I will buy Microsoft."

Elaine Dickock, a 42-year-old stockpiler from New Jersey is going to take care of unfinished business. "I will get laid. By George Clooney. And I will pay for him to come to my new mansion in Beverly Hills out of my own pocket." With tears streaming down her face, she added, "Thank you, government for the recent unexpected single-digit hike in my pay."

Some though must deal with greedy friends and family.

Jimmy Harding, a farm worker in Texas said this about his situation. "Suddenly, everyone wants me to pay for everything. I can't go to restaurants with my own family because they put the bill on me! When I went to Walmart the other day, this complete stranger in front of me in line tells the cashier, "the guy behind me will pay for it." Um, no! I don't even know you! Stupid government RUINING MY F--KING LIFE!!"

Despite all the cheer and excitement over the new pay raises, many still have yet to be informed about the $0.05 per hour new tax to help pay for Vice-President Biden's mouth to be kept shut so he doesn't embarrass the president anymore than he already has personal expenses.


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