UnNews:NYSE Trading Halted in Louis Rukeyser, at 73 & 5/8

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 May 2006

Louis Rukeyser was found crashed inside his personal portfolio this morning. He was 73 & 5/8.

Shares in Louis Rukeyser were first issued on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange in 1933. Trading in the Rukeyser market was brisk during the 30's and 40's, during which time his share value increased at an average rate of 15% per annum, but slowed to a moderate pace by the mid-60's. In 1970, Louis Rukeyser was bought by PBS in a hostile takeover bid, and later that year was split three-for-one into Louis Rukeyser Preferred (LSP), Louis Rukeyser Common (LSC), and Louis Rukeyser junk bonds (LRJB).

Insider trading in Louis Rukeyser was rife during the hectic years of Voodoo Reaganomics, which, in some opinions, artificially inflated both his ego and blood pressure to a rather lopsided 25-to-1 cost-dividend ratio. During the great stock market crash of 1987, Louis Rukeyser took a major whalloping, causing his market value to plunge 67% overnight. However, opportunistic investors of short stature (euphemistically known as "elves") greedily scoured the littered floors of the trading pits and snapped up unwanted shares of Louis Rukeyser with wild abandon, using leftover proceeds from shady real estate transactions in the greater Arkansas area.

Trading in Louis Rukeyser continued to dominate Wall Street during the '90's, in spite of his failing health and pessimistic economic outlooks. In 2002, the evil Elves accused the PBS Corporation of clandestinely slicing off some of Louis Rukeyser's accumulated body fat for the purposes of propping up chronically unpopular PBS Infotainment schemes. The pending lawsuits were quickly settled out of court when PBS agreed to (1) pay off all disgruntled investors of Louis Rukeyser at $25 per share and (2) divested themselves of their remaining stock of Rukeyser Preferred, costing them a total of $5.3 billion.