UnNews:NRA calls for castor oil to be banned
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 April 2013
President of the National Rifle Association David Keene has called for castor oil to be banned in the wake of the ricin-coated letters sent to his close friend and associate Barack Obama.
Keene made an impassioned plea last night, after the FBI revealed they had intercepted several letters laced with the deadly toxin addressed to Pennsylvania Avenue. "We all know that the right to own castor oil is protected in the bill of rights, but let's face it, that was a different time. People's diets were different, they had an everyday need for an effective laxative. That is not the case nowadays."
When asked if he would be open to entering into some kind of compromise with the pro-castor oil lobby, Keene replied, "I suppose we at the NRA would be happy to allow for people to obtain carefully controlled licenses for personal use of castor oil, but you cannot tell me, in the 21st century, that anyone needs to make industrial sized quantities of castor oil, at the risk of producing deadly amounts of ricin."
Keene's pleas were, however, met with deaf ears in some quarters. "Castor oil doesn't kill people, ricin does," argues castor oil activist Bob Graysmith. "The average castor oil user is a good patriotic American, with an interest in a healthy bowel movement, and absolutely no interest in ricin. Hell, if you asked most Americans where to get some good ricin, they'd probably direct you to the nearest Chinese restaurant, hyuck, hyuck!"
Graysmith continued, "The average NRA member is so limp wristed, I am surprised he can even hold a gun up. There is nothing wrong with castor oil, our land was built on the stools that castor oil helped to expunge, and frankly, you can have my castor oil when you pry it from my cold, dead, admittedly slippery, hands."
Meanwhile, authorities have arrested Paul Kevin Curtis, a conspiracy theorist and castor oil collector in connection with the letters. Sources suggest he made the fatal mistake of signing the letters with his actual initials.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage "US 'ricin' letter suspect charged over Obama 'threat'" BBC, April 20, 2013