UnNews:NHL Playoff audience reaches all-time high of 22 viewers

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 May 2008

Likely Canadians highly suspected of engaging in Canadian, and practically conclusive subversive behavior.

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania, -- Basking in the glow of the powerhouse Detroit Red Wings facing the star-of-the-future in Pittsburgh's Sidney Crosby, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman proudly announced that television ratings for the first three games of the Stanley Cup Finals had tripled to a record 22 viewers across the United States. "If ever there total evidence that the sport of hockey is finally catching on with the American public, this was it!" said the commissioner while toasting with champagne. "If this keeps up, we may break fifty viewers for the entire series, eh?"

Preliminary numbers indicate the bulk of the viewership was based in the two cities competing for the championship, Detroit and Pittsburgh. It is estimated that no less than nine viewers came from the Pittsburgh area and another seven watched in Detroit. The remaining viewers were scattered across the northeastern and midwestern United States, near the border with [the country north of the United States] Canada.

An unconfirmed report from the Los Angeles area suggests that one of the 83 television sets at the ESPN Zone near Disneyland may have been tuned to the hockey game, which could drive viewership up by another two or three people.

"It's obviously exciting," said Pittsburgh Penguins forward Evgeni Malkin, his voice echoing through the cavernous and mostly empty Mellon Arena, where his team plays their home games. "We must have had at least a hundred people pay to watch us win tonight, and from what I hear, there may be dozen or two more all across this nation."

Popular in the aforementioned region of Canada, hockey is a game played on ice that pits two heavily padded teams against one another. Like soccer, players must score goals, but instead of using a ball like any regular sport, hockey employs a frozen chunk of rubber known as a "puck." Also, the players use sticks instead of their hands and feet.

According to legend, the National Hockey League has been in existence for several decades, and the championship trophy named the Stanley Cup has been awarded since 1893. These rumours remain uncorroborated.

Sources

• Associated Press "Ratings Rise For Stanley Cup Opener" espn.com, May 25, 2008