UnNews:NASA photographs galaxies having sex
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 August 2007
CAPE KENNEDY CANAVERAL - Scientists, spying on “group sex” among four distant galaxies, each at least as big as the Milky Way, claim that, by making whoopee, they’ve created a monster.
“Only one is female,” NASA astronomer Dr. Jack Ass told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “The others are male. They took turns with her.” Their union--or unions--the scientist added, “promise to deliver the biggest, baddest galaxy this side of Uranus.”
The planet-size ejaculate merged into a single gargantuan galaxy, “roughly the size of Rosie O'Donnell,” astrophysicist Byron Grimm announced, and each “contains as many stars as those on the big-mouth lesbian comedienne’s enemies’ list--literally, billions.”
Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics’ Kenneth Rines complained, “This bastard’s going to be the biggest son-of-a-bitch, ever!”
Reportedly, Hollywood talent agents are lining up to get the chance to represent the emerging stars. “There may be a Brittany among them or a Paris or even, please God, a Lindsay!” David Smith said.
Former president Bill Clinton is alleged to be “interested” in the discovery. “I’ve never had sex with a galaxy before,” he is reported to have declared.
There is no danger to earthbound residents, NASA stressed. “Galaxies are very sociable, even promiscuous. They interact with one another all the time. Threesomes are not uncommon. Even foursomes are not unheard of. That’s how little galaxies are made. That’s how stars are born.”
According to the spaceyspace agency, “NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope serendipitously spotted the quadruple merger during a routine sex survey of a distant galaxy cluster, called CL0958+4702, located nearly five billion light years away.” The orgy’s participants were described as “blob-shaped elliptical galaxies.”
The voyeuristic telescope also picked up a “trillion-mile-long stream of something” that turned out to be “star semen” ejected during the climactic encounter. “We thought that quadrant of the cosmos was bereft of gas, the source material that fuels star birth,” NASA admitted. “Obviously, once again, we were wrong.”
Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild video series producer, has expressed interest in acquiring NASA’s film. “It could be hot stuff,” he said. “Maybe it could be the start of a whole new series--Galaxies Gone Wild!”
Famed scientist Stephen Hawking issued a joint statement with equallly famous sexologist Dr. Ruth Westheimer, warning that "When the galaxies reach orgasim or 'come,' this will give a whole new meaning to the term 'Big Bang!'"
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- Lotta Lies "NASA produces hardcore porno film of intergalactic sex" Instant News, 18.8 seconds ago