UnNews:Morman cloner is also puppy napper
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 August 2008
SALT LAKE CITY, UNN –Bernann McKinney stole headlines last week when she paid $50,000 to have a baby cloned from the pubic hair follicle of Church of Latter Day Saints founder Joseph Smith.
McKinney, an aging woman obsessed with collecting the virginity of Mormon Missionary youths however is not who she claimed that she was.
Mormon church officials in Salt Lake City were shock to find that the woman who claimed to be doing God’s work in having Smith’s cloned child implanted in her uterus was in fact Joyce Bernann McKinney, a noted dog thief with a penchant for English Bulldogs bordering on a fetish.
McKinney disappeared in 1974 after failing to appear in a British Court for the theft of a bulldog in Cornwall. When her picture was snapped stealing an English Bulldog puppy following her cloning, the cat was out of the bag.
“This is cause for concern,” said Elder Joseph Smith XII of the LDS steering committee. “According to Miss McKinney she was simply serving our missionary population by taking their virginity in a hide-a-way cabin. But Dog napping? That sir is disgusting.”
“Oh, Bernann was one to get fixated alright,” stated Maudine Tillman, a former neighbor of McKinney’s in Coltish Creek, Wyoming. “She said that she was teaching young men to explore the world, learn coitus and foreplay. But then she started giving treats to our dogs and saying how much she would like another puppy. Sex is sex, we all do it, so who’se to judge her. But when it comes to her breaking the Commandent from God that "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's dog" that just goes to show you that she’s a sick woman, that one.”
McKinney at first to refused to admit her past. “I dwell in the house of the Lord; not in the past, and I shall not want” she said at a news conference after the successful implantation of the cloned eggs in her woman place.
However after repeated questions, McKinney finally cracked.
“I admit it. I AM A PUPPY LOVER. Why should the people down the street have a dog when I could play fetch with it more often than they do? Is there anything wrong in companionship of a faithful dog or twenty-five of them?”
British authorities are keeping mum on the matter, however an unidentified member of Parliament went on record as stating that “We are a God fearing Kitten Huffing nation. Dog lovers need not despoil our shores.”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- ABC News "Cloned Mormons May Have Exposed 31-Year Mystery" ABC News Online, August 08, 2008