UnNews:Microsoft iPad burglary 'like not being raped'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 January 2013

Young people are said to think iPads are great for "apps and stuff".

Silicon Valley, CALIFORNIA -- Officials at Microsoft's office in Silicon Valley have confirmed the burglary that took place over the Christmas holidays - in which thieves deigned only to steal Apple products - left them feeling 'violated, but not in a good way'.

"It's always a violation when you come home, or come to your workplace, and find you have been robbed," said Lee Myers, manager of the site. "But then for them not to take any of our own products, it's like being pinned down by a rapist only to be rejected when he gets a good look at you."

The thieves made away with five iPads worth more than $3,000 from the research and development centre, apparently neglecting all of Microsoft's latest and greatest tablet gadgetry.

"When we arrived we noticed the doors were open, and we just panicked. Then it was really surreal - we checked on all our stuff, and it all seemed accounted for. When we realized that the iPads were missing, it felt really weird, like a low blow. What's wrong with our stuff? Why wouldn't a thief even steal our stuff? We weren't sure whether to report the iPads missing or not, but they are so damn expensive we decided we had to."

Local police nodded seriously while taking down the details of the crime, but were professionally swift in leaking the news online, and Microsoft soon became a laughing stock throughout the world's internet forums, which is as we all know where the cool people hang out.

Coolness is critical in the tablet market, and can be difficult to quantify. We asked your little sister about the difference between one tablet and another, and she told us: "The iPad is like totally cool for apps and stuff, whereas the Microsoft thing, I don't know, it's just lame."

Apple are yet to comment on the news officially, but their press officer was said by witnesses to be "tittering like a mouse". Accusations that Apple themselves were behind the break-in and subsequent negative publicity for their rival were "almost certainly true, but don't quote me on that" according to an Apple insider.

Sources

• Leverage, "Microsoft Silicon Valley offices raided with only iPads stolen" Guardian, Jan 09, 2013