UnNews:McCain Reconsiders Palin for Vice-Presidential Running Mate

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 October 2008

UnNews Spork - Bowing to the request of many of his supporters, Senator John McCain has asked Governor Sarah Palin to step aside. Palin agreed, stating she understood his reasons and didn’t want to divide the party. She turned to Senator Hillary Clinton, who said, “You should just stay in the race, regardless. ‘The more the merrier’, I always say.”

Two hours later, McCain called a press conference to announce his new vice-presidential running mate, Representative McAbel.

One minute later, a new poll showed McCain’s supporters disliked his choice of McAbel, and offered to double campaign contributions if he asked Governor Palin to come back to the ticket. McCain appeared agitated for only a moment, but calmly stated, “I’m sticking with McAbel. He’s a good man, with good values, and I’m sure he’s favored by God for all the good work and sacrifices he’s made.”

Both conservatives and liberals share feelings of uneasiness. House Minority Leader John Boehner was quoted as saying, “Instead of McAbel, I’d rather see McCain choose Joe Lieberman, Mickey Mouse, or Bill Clinton.” Clinton, a high-profile liberal known primarily for having an affair, and secondarily for being president of a nation, remarked, “I agree with John Boehner. Oh, and I never impaled. Thank you.”

Senator Lindsay Graham got on the record by saying, “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about a McCain and McAbel ticket makes me nervous. I have this feeling of apprehension that I can’t explain.” Surprisingly, Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden completely agreed with Graham. Additionally, Obama made the comment, “I wish I could say what it is that bothers me, but it feels somewhat unholy. Although even if I could figure it out, I still couldn’t say it; all I can say is ‘change.’”

Amidst all this controversy, without releasing to the news media why it made the choice, the Secret Service has ordered four times the amount of security for Representative McAbel than it had formerly given to Governor Palin. After the sixth or seventh eve of the increased guard, we asked again about the order. Adams, the head of the Secret Service, simply shrugged and said, “Just a hunch.”

Some of the controversy surrounding McAbel may be due to his inexperience, which is a popular issue in this era of globalized economy and terrorist activity. Such concerns have been raised about Barack Obama, and less recently, Abraham Lincoln. George Washington was also scrutinized due to his level of experience, primarily because he had never in his life been elected to any office within the United States of America.

McAbel takes it all in stride, however, and in his statement to the press he said, “Although I’ve only been a state representative for three weeks and don’t have much political experience, I was voted Best Shepherd in my class of 1979. I’m looking forward to serving John McCain, and also serving God and all His flocks and His people of America. Despite not yet having served with John in Washington, I know him well and respect him. Almost since I’ve met him John McCain has been like a brother to me.”

Sources

• Andy Alt "McCain Reconsiders Palin for Vice-Presidential Running Mate" Political Dimensions blog, October 4, 2008