UnNews:Man has Queer Eye surgically implanted

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 October 2006

Gay men (pictured) are known for their good fashion sense, tan, and homosexuality.

HOBOKEN, NJ- Carl Nastanovich, a heterosexual Hoboken resident, underwent surgery yesterday to have a Queer Eye implanted. The groundbreaking surgery gave Nastanovich the fashion sense he, as a heterosexual, did not have. "I'm overjoyed" said a recovering Nastanovich at a New York hospital today. "With this Queer Eye, and hopefully another to come, I can finally have a fashion sense, personal hygeine, and a girlfriend. It is truly a blessing."

Queer Eyes, until now, have only been available to homosexual men, but with yesterdays surgery, and the countless others expected to come, the heterosexual male masses can finally get the Queer Eyes they were unlucky enough to be born without. Gay man Mark Ibold objects to the new surgery. "As a gay man, I have Queer Eyes. They are special to me. But now every Joe-straight-guy can just go out and get this thousand dollar operation. It's disgraceful."

Reverend Choco-Doctor Stephen Malkmus said today; "This can't go on forever- it's statistically impossible. Pretty soon gay men will stop donating their eyes, and the source of Queer Eyes will dry up." But for Carl Nastanovich, for now the world of Queer Eyes looks good. "I don't care what anyone else has to say. These Queer Eyes have given me a second chance- you can't argue with that."

Sources

• Dick Crimwelt "Disgusting new gay-related surgeries" The Daily Queer, October 8, 2006