UnNews:Man Harasses Woman at Drive-Thru

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

The victim, Makoto Kino, became rather angry with UnNews when we asked her to demonstrate what the suspect did to her, and also when we asked her for her phone number, address, bra size, and requested that she pose for a nude photograph.

2 November 2008
TITUSVILLE, FLORIDA -- A man was seeking more than just burgers and fries when he showed up at a McDonald's drive-thru last night. Police say that well-endowed 16-year-old Makoto Kino was working the drive-thru of the popular fast-food establishment when an unidentified man pulled up. He allegedly ordered a Big N' Tasty without the beef patties, saying, "I already have all the delicious meat you can handle." When Makoto came to the window, the man proceeded to feel up her breasts, one at a time, followed by the words, "Very nice. How much?" Makoto felt uncomfortable at this point, she said in a later interview, but she decided to follow McDonald's "assume good faith" policy and continue to assist the man normally.

Makoto told the man that there was not a button on the computer for a burger without beef, so she would have to charge him for meat he wouldn't receive. To this, he replied, "You're giving me free meat? How about I return the favor?" At this point, they proceeding to have intimate relations through the drive-thru window. Other customers waiting were quite annoyed, not only at having to wait an extra two hours for their food, but also that Makoto, who had been the object of much flirtation, was "doing it" with someone who was a new customer.

Composite sketch of the unidentified suspect.

"You cannot even begin to imagine how pissed off this makes me," Congressman Mark Foley told reporters. "I've been to this McDonald's every single day for the past four years. Every time I came, I would talk to her, read her poetry, give her $20 tips, and genuinely be a great guy toward her. And then she goes and fucks this idiot. It just isn't fair."

"It was the best sex I've had since Hurricane AJ," Makoto told police officers, who showed up at the scene after an old woman complained, "It started in my toes and it made me crinkle my nose."

Whoever this unidentified person is, detectives say, committed a horrible crime: consensual sexual intercourse with a person 16 years of age by a person over the age of 24. "It is possible, I guess, that our suspect is under 24 years of age," a spokesperson for the Titusville Police Deparment told UnNews. "However, that would make it legal, which we cannot let it be. The suspect deserves to be punished for what he did." Anyone with information as to the whereabouts or identity of the unknown person is urged to call the Titusville Police Department, the Brevard County Sheriff's Office, Crimeline, or 911 immediately.