UnNews:Madonna to coach national football team

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 October 2008

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina -- After recently announcing her divorce from brutal military dictator Juan Perón, Madonna looks set to accept the second highest public office available in Argentina: that of national football coach. The 'Queen of Pop' has been in talks with the Argentina Football Association (AFA) for several weeks, and will reportedly announce her acceptance of the prestigious position Friday.

Madonna won't require her beanie hat in Argentina -- it's spring-time there.

Under her lucrative contract, Madonna will receive a considerable share of the Association's profits, as well as the exclusive right to use team members in raunchy Latino music videos. "She's a tough negotiator," says an AFA source of the 50-year-old superstar. "She left claw marks all over Julio's back when he told her that underwear wasn't optional. Luckily, there's no problem that can't be solved with compulsory Kaballah team-building classes."

Some Argentinians wonder whether the singer and 'actress' is the best choice for national coach. Luis Vázquez, a stereotypical Argentinian mechanic, complained loudly (with the aid of hand gestures) that the AFA was "still loco for Evita." He is representative of a youthful generation of Argentines who have never cried for Madonna, nor for any other celebrated political figure. Others are more concerned by the influence that Madonna's unusual religious practices will have on the social fabric of the country. UnNews spoke to Maria Deleau, mother of national team mid-fielder Esteban Cambiasso. "I hear Madonna will be coach, I cry," Deleau recounts. "Next thing, Esteban comes home with the Torah and a 12" Into The Groove single. I beat it out of him," Deleau says of her 28-year-old son. "You want to talk with him? Well, you can't. He's saying Hail Marys in the Naughty Chair."

Madonna wasn't giving anything away when questioned by reporters on the startling appointment, but insiders say she has plans to take the team all the way to another World Cup final, by including innovative player formations based on interpretive dance. "She said something about bringing the 'Flying V' to football," said a long-time confidante. The star is reportedly hopeful that the group matches don't interfere with her plans to tour Malawi.

Sources

• "Madonna 'set to coach Argentina'" BBC, October 28, 2008